So, this is a difficult week for me. My beautiful daughters are on vacation with their dad. I’m SO HAPPY they are having fun. I should be with them. They are taking another family vacation and I’m not with them. I have mixed feelings about everything right now. It’s making me so anxious, and I can’t stay focused. Every little thing is spiking my anxiety.
After successful visits to counseling and medications, my face was ALMOST cleared up. I was SO EXCITED. And guess what? I now have marks all over again. I had to go to the BMV today to get a new license and stickers for my plates. Guess what I thought about it all day long. I stressed about the new policy for licenses and if I would have all the right paperwork. I couldn’t concentrate at work. I picked at my face. OH GREAT! I get to take a new license picture with a face clearly covered with a gob of makeup to mask the marks.
Now I sit on the couch upset with myself because I have messed it up again. I’m actually thinking about cutting my nails down to the skin so that I can’t do it anymore. But then I know I’ll go grab tweezers instead. Dermatillomania is such a horrible battle to fight. It is embarrassing, it is frustrating, it makes me want to not go anywhere or do anything because I look awful.
I’m just hoping to reach someone and let them know they are not alone. Having horrible marks on your face is not only because people are on meth or drugs, some people have marks because they can’t control the urge to make that tiny bump disappear and don’t realize they will only make it worse. It relieves the thoughts that are stressing you out because now you are worried about that stupid thing on your face. It’s a vicious cycle. Just like life. You are doing good, and then boom, downward spiral. I pray I will be better someday. I must have hope.
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